it goes vwoom together

I’m sick with something. I’ve spent the day sleeping and watching movies. As I was searching my.. backed up copies of movies, I came across an old list I had made of things that I like:

• picking polish from the creases between the nail and cuticle
• defragmenting a hard drive twice. one defrag right after the other
• locking the front door from the outside
• turning in time with music
• washing my windshield at the gas station
• cleaning lint filters

Things I don’t like:

• pouring pasta into boiling water
• standing hamstring stretches
• forgotten lies
• long shoelaces
• fever dreams
• cotton swabs with more ‘puff’ on one side

I don’t remember why I made the list.. but how fun to share..

Austin got married. Austin was my best friend through middle school. Austin was the first person in whom I chanced emotional exposure (outside of the family). He’s married. It felt really weird. I’ve had other friends do that eternal spousemanship thing but this one really messed with me. The whole day, leading up the the reception, I felt continual unease culminating in dizzy spells. nausea. cold sweats. hot sweats. fever blisters. difficulty swallowing. difficulty breathing. blurred vision. involuntary trembling. dead hands. weak ankles. twitching. fainting spells. numb lips.

No, but really, I can’t remember the last time I felt this anxious.

My parents accompanied me to the reception and I felt started getting a bit.. silly upon arrival. “Sup dude?” I started snapping my fingers and winking at the strangers around me.. “looking good..”

I decided to head to the bathroom once more and try my luck at throwing up. No dice. Back to the reception room. There he is. He doesn’t see me. They look like such a happy couple. I meander over to the line and make eye contact with the bride. Oh shoot! I’m at the wrong end of the train. I flip a U’ie and grab an éclair.

I quickly run the circumference of the room and end up at the back of the right line. I give my greetings to the family. Why yes, we’re all just so grown up now aren’t we? Austin’s coming up quick.. we make eye contact and he steps out of line. He looks bad. His wife follows him out. I’m dying at this point.. He’s avoiding me. Oh, I’m so awkward! He’s prolonging the reunion. I’m convinced. His wife returns with news that he is feeling a bit sick to his stomach.

I relax a bit.. maybe he feels it too. I exchange words with the lovely bride and eat some more éclairs. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, éclairs. I feel a bit hysterical as I write this. I wish it would stop.

Anyway.. three chocolates later Austin returns and we make eye contact across the hall. He gives me the A-dog “point down” and I follow with a J-dog “watch me find the source mutual identification.” Ugh. I relax. There is so much I want to say.. so much I feel we need to be caught up on. All that happens is a quick embrace and verbal recall by the spouse.

I don’t know why I decided to return to blogging with an entry like this. Actually, I think I do. I just feel so incomplete and want so desperately to share with someone. Tonight I can play at normal due to life splicing experiences but I know when morning comes around it will all be forgotten again.

Austin knew my second mask and I was hoping to show him my face.

I’m so frustrated.

I cried my way home.

silly life2198 0qj1qA

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I’m embarrassed to say this. The past week I have locked myself in my room and done nearly nothing other than study some of the methods and traits of the world’s greatest pickup artists. I’ve read a dozen books and watched three DVDs.

I started out with Mystery (everyone starts out with mystery). Next came Style.. followed by Juggler.

Juggler has been the most inspiring by far. His suggestions and methods seem to follow natural, self-derived conversation. His techniques feel more like guidelines as opposed to set routines. I get the feeling that his success rate might just a be a bit lower.. but it feels more natural.. and less devious to me.

So anyway, I’ve been soaking up all this info but have yet to apply it as a whole. I’ve tried out pieces here and there but nothing noticeable. I’m trying to decide when / where to start. I still feel the approach anxiety. I’ve been told it never goes away. And does it have to be all or nothing? /sigh.