it goes vwoom together

I came back here to see if I could still talk to you. I didn’t want Schreiber to know.

Well, I’m glad ya did. I can’t take it. I uh, keep thinking about that dead trooper. I keep trying to tell myself that it was an accident, that it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t make it stick.

Look, the guy took a shot atcha, didn’t he? He had it comin’.

Yeah, but I keep seein’ the car down in the water, 40 feet down and him in it. And I don’t even know what he looked like, maybe he had a wife, maybe he had a kid-

-Look, what’s done is done. But uh, that ain’t what I came back to talk to you about. This ain’t gonna be easy for me, kid. But you got another score . . . I lied to you . . .

♣ No . . . No. Trailing to the garage. Schreiber. You lied to me. Stick out. Expected you wouldn’t lie to me. Why would you lie to me? Jeff, I had to. Following me for years. Twenty years. Gunna come after me now. I gotta run too. ♣

I like you, we hit it off fine, now I’m gonna do you the biggest favor of your life. I want you (ka-ching) to get out of here. I want you to get out of here, and fast. Here, stuff it in your pockets. All of it. And then get goin’ and keep on goin’.

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Harry is sick. The general thought is that he ate something he shouldn’t have. To aid in his recovery process he has been put on a special cleanse: oatmeal + chicken. I feel slightly embarrassed to relate this next bit but… Harry is a bit of a scavenger. He feels that anything which is delivered from a human hand or a counter is worthy of his mouth. Now I don’t know if I’ve told you, but Harry will do anything for a treat… And “treat” carries a very loose definition. Allow me to relate a recent interaction:

Jules: Harry… come!
Harry: sliding uncontrollably across the wooden floor, dashes to the kitchen.
Jules: takes a fake bite out of a pen Sit… down…
Harry: sits… downs…
Jules: moving the pen closer and closer Easy.. easy.. take it!
Harry: takes it.. and drops it. realizing at this point that the object is inedible he just stares at Jules (too stunned for words?)
Jules: What?
Harry: sneeze (Harry uses sneezes to indicate displeasure or disgust). walks away slowly
Jules: Oh cmon’ dude, I was just playin’, here we’ll get you a real treat..
Harry: sneeze (from around the corner)

I’m sick with something. I’ve spent the day sleeping and watching movies. As I was searching my.. backed up copies of movies, I came across an old list I had made of things that I like:

• picking polish from the creases between the nail and cuticle
• defragmenting a hard drive twice. one defrag right after the other
• locking the front door from the outside
• turning in time with music
• washing my windshield at the gas station
• cleaning lint filters

Things I don’t like:

• pouring pasta into boiling water
• standing hamstring stretches
• forgotten lies
• long shoelaces
• fever dreams
• cotton swabs with more ‘puff’ on one side

I don’t remember why I made the list.. but how fun to share..

Austin got married. Austin was my best friend through middle school. Austin was the first person in whom I chanced emotional exposure (outside of the family). He’s married. It felt really weird. I’ve had other friends do that eternal spousemanship thing but this one really messed with me. The whole day, leading up the the reception, I felt continual unease culminating in dizzy spells. nausea. cold sweats. hot sweats. fever blisters. difficulty swallowing. difficulty breathing. blurred vision. involuntary trembling. dead hands. weak ankles. twitching. fainting spells. numb lips.

No, but really, I can’t remember the last time I felt this anxious.

My parents accompanied me to the reception and I felt started getting a bit.. silly upon arrival. “Sup dude?” I started snapping my fingers and winking at the strangers around me.. “looking good..”

I decided to head to the bathroom once more and try my luck at throwing up. No dice. Back to the reception room. There he is. He doesn’t see me. They look like such a happy couple. I meander over to the line and make eye contact with the bride. Oh shoot! I’m at the wrong end of the train. I flip a U’ie and grab an éclair.

I quickly run the circumference of the room and end up at the back of the right line. I give my greetings to the family. Why yes, we’re all just so grown up now aren’t we? Austin’s coming up quick.. we make eye contact and he steps out of line. He looks bad. His wife follows him out. I’m dying at this point.. He’s avoiding me. Oh, I’m so awkward! He’s prolonging the reunion. I’m convinced. His wife returns with news that he is feeling a bit sick to his stomach.

I relax a bit.. maybe he feels it too. I exchange words with the lovely bride and eat some more éclairs. Mmmmmmmmmmmm, éclairs. I feel a bit hysterical as I write this. I wish it would stop.

Anyway.. three chocolates later Austin returns and we make eye contact across the hall. He gives me the A-dog “point down” and I follow with a J-dog “watch me find the source mutual identification.” Ugh. I relax. There is so much I want to say.. so much I feel we need to be caught up on. All that happens is a quick embrace and verbal recall by the spouse.

I don’t know why I decided to return to blogging with an entry like this. Actually, I think I do. I just feel so incomplete and want so desperately to share with someone. Tonight I can play at normal due to life splicing experiences but I know when morning comes around it will all be forgotten again.

Austin knew my second mask and I was hoping to show him my face.

I’m so frustrated.

I cried my way home.

silly life2198 0qj1qA

\

I’m embarrassed to say this. The past week I have locked myself in my room and done nearly nothing other than study some of the methods and traits of the world’s greatest pickup artists. I’ve read a dozen books and watched three DVDs.

I started out with Mystery (everyone starts out with mystery). Next came Style.. followed by Juggler.

Juggler has been the most inspiring by far. His suggestions and methods seem to follow natural, self-derived conversation. His techniques feel more like guidelines as opposed to set routines. I get the feeling that his success rate might just a be a bit lower.. but it feels more natural.. and less devious to me.

So anyway, I’ve been soaking up all this info but have yet to apply it as a whole. I’ve tried out pieces here and there but nothing noticeable. I’m trying to decide when / where to start. I still feel the approach anxiety. I’ve been told it never goes away. And does it have to be all or nothing? /sigh.

I was supposed to start the recruiting process this weekend but I mostly just ended up staring at my screen and then postponing it again. I really need to get it started but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. Maybe I’ll share a potential draft. Mmm, yes, sounds good:

I’m playing a new game. I want you to play too.

There are a couple qualifications tho. Players must have a hopelessly positive outlook with regards to the game. The rules, while potentially difficult to understand and follow, must be accepted without question.

The methods and outcomes of this game will be instinctually backward for many individuals.. but I believe that the potential for personal growth is immense. This game is an experiment in thought and a test of social and fiscal progression within a doubting society. It’s an opportunity to apply personal creativity to areas in which tend to terrify. Does it sound a bit mysterious? I hoped it would. Contact me if you want to know more.

I pray to God that one day, He will grant me the power to reach out and hold my hand over your head and give you instant belief, ’cause you don’t have instant belief.

You’ve been hooked, you’ve been crooked, you’ve been lied to so many times, that you’re suspicious-minded. And when the right thing comes along, you don’t believe in it. When I’m coming in knocking on the front door, you’re out the back door looking for four leaf clovers. And when you find it, you think somebody planted it there to fool you. ‘Whats the angle?’ You look for an excuse.

In this modern day and age we have instant coffee and instant tea- instant disbelief. Thats the reason we will never become anything- it’s because we will never believe in ourselves. We will always listen to the mass majority. If everybody’s making fun of you and criticizing you, then you know you’re on the right track. Cause most people ain’t got it.

-Glenn Turner

Eh.

I don’t want to think about it too much but the success in this one comes from the fact that it is incredibly organized / modulated and content comes first. I don’t think you can fully grasp the pain I am currently going through. Here I am building content with NO (no) design. Traditionally, I’ve slaved on a design hoping it would inspire content.

I’m doing things different this time. Only after I have a functioning series of blogs will I begin to address issues of aesthetics.

I went in for my final consultation today. I was surprised by how I felt upon leaving. I had been so excited for so long.. but today there was just a calm. There was almost a sense of sadness.. of something lost. I like to think of it as something similar to stockholm syndrome.. but hmmm.. I think there might be something more.

Is there a word for when a negative condition is labeled as a false alarm but later becomes quite true? Kinda like someone smells smoke and pulls the fire alarm- later they find it’s nothing more than burnt waffles- but then as everyone is {ahaha-ing} about the waffles, the drapes catch fire.. like a false-false alarm..?

Anyway.. I have mono (EBV + spot peak @~ -2 weeks).