Well, that was fun. Hmmm, hmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmm…
So… I made this script…
I thought it was going to be easy but then things started getting complicated. Everything worked out in the end but now I’m not quite sure what to say.
Hmmm… well… everytime you go here: http://julesferreira.blogspot.com/
Two Jack Handy quotes are submitted by anonymous(muhaha) individuals here: http://julesferreira.blogspot.com/2006/11/did-you-say-something.html#comments
If anyone is actually curious, I’m calling a remote PHP script through a Javascript inclusion on this page. The PHP script selects two random Jack Handy quotes and then opens up socket connections to the blogger comment script. Required information is passed to the blogger software as POST variables (grrr, that was the hard part) and then stored as a comment on the blogger system.
//edit lol, ten minutes later and I'm at about 50. Yay for email notification of new comments >_< I'm not qute sure how many comments blogger allows per post but I'm in a mood to find out...)
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said “Watch for Rocks.” Marta said it should read “Watch for Pretty Rocks.” I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So sue me.”
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think its that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life?
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, “I like mayonnaise.” She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn’t say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn’t know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn’t have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you’re ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don’t know how to speak the natives’ language, just say “Poppy-oomy.” I bet it means something.
I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy—something like that.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. Farewell!
If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”